how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Life is so much better after having sex.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
