I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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