In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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