I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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