Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
