At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
