is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Are we still banned from the library?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
