They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
