He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
