he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
