I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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