So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I am midnight drunk by noon
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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