he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
