So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
