how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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