Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
