Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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