First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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