My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
