i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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