You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
