Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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