my phone needs a breathalizer
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
