I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
