i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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