I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
