happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
