The maid of honor just puked.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
