You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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