You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
