I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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