started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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