I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
