today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
