At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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