Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
