i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
i now understand why vodka
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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