thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
