i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
