I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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