I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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