So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
