ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
