Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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