1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Randomize
