I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
