Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize