I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
