I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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