Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
