I'm going to jail i love you
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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